How to deal with a death in the family?

[michaeld20]

How would one such as myself, a 17 year old, deal with a death in the family, I will not state their relation with me, but I'm just really really screwed up by this. I really need some support...

[Furdabip]

You want to know how we, individually, deal with death? Or the cookie-cutter version that you'd otherwise hear people spew? My SPECIFIC way of dealing with death is to ignore it. Then, somewhere along the line I burst out into a crying fit that can last for a good 10 minutes, then, I'm done. My grief is over.

The cookie cutter advice is to find someone who is also grieving the same loss and just talk about it with them. Always remember the way the person was, the things they did, and not focus on their death. If you believe in an after-life, just know that ANYONE who claims they can talk to the dead is 100% full of bullshit and to ignore them. The last thing you want is your memory ruined by some scam artist. But yes, the most basic of basic advice is to talk about it.

I grieve in a completely different way and you might too. If this is your first close loss, then at least you'll know how you grieve next time.

[michaeld20]

You want to know how we, individually, deal with death? Or the cookie-cutter version that you'd otherwise hear people spew? My SPECIFIC way of dealing with death is to ignore it. Then, somewhere along the line I burst out into a crying fit that can last for a good 10 minutes, then, I'm done. My grief is over.

The cookie cutter advice is to find someone who is also grieving the same loss and just talk about it with them. Always remember the way the person was, the things they did, and not focus on their death. If you believe in an after-life, just know that ANYONE who claims they can talk to the dead is 100% full of bullshit and to ignore them. The last thing you want is your memory ruined by some scam artist. But yes, the most basic of basic advice is to talk about it.

I grieve in a completely different way and you might too. If this is your first close loss, then at least you'll know how you grieve next time.

Thanks Furd, I see what your saying.

[LS13]

Furd is right, talking about it makes a huge difference. I have a friend who lost her grandmother before the summer, and she refused to talk to people about it. She is still depressed from it, and that's really not healthy at all. Don't forget them ever, but don't let the loss drag you down.

[MrWhales]

Let me roughly paraphrase what someone once told me.. Imagine a ship wreak in a storm, and you're strugglinh to stay afloat. you grab on to a big board, but the waves are crashing down on you. Big waves, huge, all you can do is hold your breathe and hope you make it through, you make it through that wave, and the next comes, and you just want to survive that wave, and you survive it. the storm is raging, and the waves are huge, you're barely making it through each wave, when it passes you're gasping for air and can just barely get any before the next wave. It stays like this for awhile. Slowly, the waves are getting smaller, they're still huge, and you sometime doubt you're going to make it to the other side, but you just hold your breathe and make it one wave at a time. and slowly, the waves grow smaller and smaller, now you can catch your breathe in between waves, it's not as bad, sure it still sucks, but you can make it. Now you can manage to make it through a wave and be prepared for the next. And slowly still, the waves grow smaller, and they come less often. You're going to make it. Sometimes a big wave will come, but when one hits, you just try to make it through taht one and prepare for whenever the next is coming. And someday, the waves won't be so bad, and some day, maybe they won't come at all. It'll be months, maybe years between them, but you know you can make it through.

And how I personally do it? Either think about it none, or think about it all the time. But thinking about it all the time isn't an option, because there is a life to still live, and giving it up to grieve over someone gone won't help and won't be what that person wanted. When the waves are crashing down, just think of how amazing it was/will be to breathe again.

[Rock Beefchest]

I pour myself into my work or a hobby as a distraction. When i find myself thinking of the person i think about a time we were having fun together. perhaps a time when something funny happened. That way, i am hopefully rewiring my memories to remember positive things automatically when something reminds me of the person.

Also if you have not and are able to go the the resting place of the person and talk to them. You don't do that for them you do that for you. Talk to them about how they made you angry when they left. Scream at them if you need to because death is not merely a sad thing death is an infuriating thing. It is not fair that they get to move on to a beautiful existence and leave us so sad and hurt. This of course is not their fault, but nonetheless unfair. Talk and yell and when you leave you would have said what you needed saying and you might just feel better. Don't be ashamed of your anger or think that that response is inappropriate because it is not. Though people generally don't talk about death in terms of the anger it causes, it is a very real thing.